had heard him talking near covent garden to some crowd in the street。 my friends； he was saying； you have the kingdom of heaven within you and it would take a pretty big pill to get that out。
x
Four YearsXVII
。^生。网
meanwhile i had not got any nearer to proving that ahasuerus dwells in a sea？cavern mid the demonesi； but one conclusion i certainly did e to； which i find written out in an old diary and dated 1887。 madame blavatskys masters were trance personalities； but by trance personalities i meant something almost as exciting as ahasuerus himself。 years before i had found； on a table in the royal irish academy； a pamphlet on japanese art； and read there of an animal painter so remarkable that horses he had painted upon a temple wall had stepped down after and trampled the neighbouring fields of rice。 somebody had e to the temple in the early morning； been startled by a shower of water drops； looked up and seen a painted horse； still wet from the dew？covered fields； but now trembling into stillness。 i thought that her masters were imaginary forms created by suggestion； but whether that suggestion came from madame blavatskys own mind or from some mind； perhaps at a great distance； i did not know； and i believed that these forms could pass from madame blavatskys mind to the minds of others； and even acquire external reality； and that it was even possible that they talked and wrote。 they were born in the imagination； where blake had declared that all men live after death； and where every man is king or priest in his own house。 certainly the house at holland park was a romantic place； where one heard of constant apparitions and exchanged speculations like those of the middle ages； and i did not separate myself from it by my own will。 the secretary； an intelligent and friendly man； asked me to e and see him； and when i did； plained that i was causing discussion and disturbance； a certain fanatical hungry face had been noticed red and tearful； & it was quite plain that i was not in full agreement with their method or their philosophy。 i know； he said； that all these people bee dogmatic and fanatical because they believe what they can never prove； that their withdrawal from family life is to them a great misfortune； but what are we to do？ we have been told that all spiritual influx into the society will e to an end in 1897 for exactly one hundred years。 before that date our fundamental ideas must be spread through the world。 i knew the doctrine and it had made me wonder why that old woman； or rather the trance personalities who directed her and were her genius； insisted upon it； for influx of some kind there must always be。 did they dread heresy after the death of madame blavatsky； or had they no purpose but the greatest possible immediate effort？
m。
Four YearsXVIII
＊＝
at the british museum reading？room i often saw a man of thirty？six or thirty？seven； in a brown velveteen coat； with a gaunt resolute face； and an athletic body； who seemed before i heard his name； or knew the nature of his studies； a figure of romance。 presently i was introduced； where or by what man or woman i do not remember。 he was macgregor mathers； the author of the kabbalas unveiled； & his studies were two only？？magic and the theory of war； for he believed himself a born mander and all but equal in wisdom and in power to that old jew。 he had copied many manuscripts on magic ceremonial and doctrine in the british museum； and was to copy many more in continental libraries； and it was through him mainly that i began certain studies and experiences that were to convince me that images well up before the minds eye from a deeper source than conscious or subconscious memory。 i believe that his mind in those early days did not belie his face and body； though in later years it became unhinged； for he kept a proud head amid great poverty。 one that boxed with him nightly has told me that for many weeks he could knock him down； though macgregor was the stronger man； and only knew long after that during those weeks macgregor starved。 with him i met an old white？haired oxfordshire clergyman； the most panic？stricken person i have ever known； though macgregors introduction had been he unites us to the great adepts of antiquity。 this old man took me aside that he might say？？i hope you never invoke spirits？？that is a very dangerous thing to do。 i am told that even the planetary spirits turn upon us in the end。 i said； have you ever seen an apparition？ o yes； once； he said。 i have my alchemical laboratory in a cellar under my house where the bishop cannot see it。 one day i was walking up & down there when i heard another footstep walking up and down beside me。 i turned and saw a girl i had been in love with when i was a young man； but she died long ago。 she wanted me to kiss her。
oh no； i would not do that。 why not？ i said。 oh； she might have got power over me。 has your alchemical research had any success？ i said。 yes； i once made the elixir of life。 a french alchemist said it had the right smell and the right colour； （the alchemist may have been elephas levi； who visited england in the sixties； & would have said anything） but the first effect of the elixir is that your nails fall out and your hair falls off。 i was afraid that i might have made a mistake and that nothing else might happen； so i put it away on a shelf。 i meant to drink it when i was an old man； but when i got it down the other day it had all dried up。
％％。
Four YearsXIX
i generalized a great deal and was ashamed of it。 i thought that it was my business in life to bean artist and a poet； and that there could be no business parable to that。 i refused to read books； and even to meet people who excited me to generalization； but all to no purpose。 i said my prayers much as in childhood； though without the old regularity of hour and place； and i began to pray that my imagination might somehow be rescued from abstraction； and bee as pre？occupied with life as had been the imagination of chaucer。 for ten or twelve years more i suffered continual remorse； and only became content when my abstractions had posed themselves into picture and dramatization。 my very remorse helped to spoil my early poetry； giving it an element of sentimentality through my refusal to permit it any share of an intellect which i considered impure。 even in practical life i only very gradually began to use generalizations； that have since bee the foundation of all i have done； or shall do； in ireland。 for all i know； all men may have been as timid； for i am persuaded that our intellects at twenty contain all the truths we shall ever find； but as yet we do not know truths that belong to us from opinions caught up in casual irritation or momentary phantasy。 as life goes on we discover that certain thoughts sustain us in defeat； or give us victory； whether over ourselves or others； & it is these thoughts； tested by passion； that we call convictions。 among subjective men （in all those； that is； who must spin a web out of their own bowels） the victory is an intellectual daily recreation of all that exterior fate snatches away； and so that fates antithesis； while what i have called the mask is an emotional antithesis to all that es out of their internal nature。 we begin to live when we have conceived life as a tragedy。
．．
Four YearsXX
｛小｝｛说｝｛网｝
a conviction that the world was now but a bundle of fragments possessed me without ceasing。 i had tried this conviction on the rhymers； thereby plunging into greater silence an already too silent evening。 johnson； i was accustomed to say； you are the only man i know whose silence has beak & claw。 i had lectured on it to some london irish society； and i was to lecture upon it later on in dublin； but i never found but one interested man； an official of the primrose league； who was also an active member of the fenian brotherhood。 i am an extreme conservative apart from ireland； i have heard him explain； and i have no doubt that personal experience made him share the sight of any eye that saw the world in fragments。 i had been put into a rage by the followers of huxley； tyndall； carolus duran and bastien？lepage； who not only asserted the unimportance of subject； whether in art or literature； but the independence of the arts from one another。 upon the other hand i delighted in every age where poet and artist confined themselves gladly to some inherited subject matter known to the whole people； for i thought that in man and race alike there is something called unity of being； using that term as dante used it when he pared beauty in the convito to a perfectly proportioned human body。 my father； from whom i had learned the term； preferred a parison to a musical instrument so strong that if we touch a string all the strings murmur faintly。 there is not more desire； he had said； in lust than in true love； but in true love desire awakens pity； hope； affection； admiration； and； given appropriate circumstance； every emotion possible to man。 when i began； however； to apply this thought to the state and to argue for a law？made balance among trades and occupations； my father displayed at once the violent free？trader and propagandist of liberty。 i thought that the enemy of