lged from childhood upwards； imagine yourself in a remote foreign land； conceive that you there mit a capital error； no matter of what nature or from what motives； but one whose consequences must follow you through life and taint all your existence。 mind； i don’t say a crime； i am not speaking of shedding of blood or any other guilty act； which might make the perpetrator amenable to the law： my word is error。 the results of what you have done bee in time to you utterly insupportable； you take measures to obtain relief： unusual measures； but neither unlawful nor culpable。 still you are miserable； for hope has quitted you on the very confines of life： your sun at noon darkens in an eclipse； which you feel will not leave it till the time of setting。 bitter and base associations have bee the sole food of your memory： you wander here and there； seeking rest in exile： happiness in pleasure—i mean in heartless； sensual pleasure—such as dulls intellect and blights feeling。 heart…weary and soul…withered； you e home after years of voluntary banishment： you make a new acquaintance—how or where no matter： you find in this stranger much of the good and bright qualities which you have sought for twenty years； and never before encountered； and they are all fresh； healthy； without soil and without taint。 such society revives； regenerates： you feel better days e back—higher wishes； purer feelings； you desire to remence your life； and to spend what remains to you of days in a way more worthy of an immortal being。 to attain this end； are you justified in overleaping an obstacle of custom—a mere conventional impediment which neither your conscience sanctifies nor your judgment approves？”
he paused for an answer： and what was i to say？ oh； for some good spirit to suggest a judicious and satisfactory response！ vain aspiration！ the west wind whispered in the ivy round me； but no gentle ariel borrowed its breath as a medium of speech： the birds sang in the tree…tops； but their song； however sweet； was inarticulate。
again mr。 rochester propounded his query：
“is the wandering and sinful； but now rest…seeking and repentant； man justified in daring the world’s opinion； in order to attach to him for ever this gentle； gracious； genial stranger； thereby securing his own peace of mind and regeneration of life？”
“sir；” i answered； “a wanderer’s repose or a sinner’s reformation should never depend on a fellow…creature。 men and women die； philosophers falter in wisdom； and christians in goodness： if any one you know has suffered and erred； let him look higher than his equals for strength to amend and solace to heal。”
“but the instrument—the instrument！ god； who does the work； ordains the instrument。 i have myself—i tell it you without parable—been a worldly； dissipated； restless man； and i believe i have found the instrument for my cure in—”
he paused： the birds went on carolling； the leaves lightly rustling。 i almost wondered they did not check their songs and whispers to catch the suspended revelation； but they would have had to wait many minutes—so long was the silence protracted。 at last i looked up at the tardy speaker： he was looking eagerly at me。
“little friend；” said he； in quite a changed tone—while his face changed too； losing all its softness and gravity； and being harsh and sarcastic—“you have noticed my tender penchant for miss ingram： don’t you think if i married her she would regenerate me with a vengeance？”
he got up instantly； went quite to the other end of the walk； and when he came back he was humming a tune。
“jane； jane；” said he； stopping before me； “you are quite pale with your vigils： don’t you curse me for disturbing your rest？”
“curse you？ no； sir。”
“shake hands in confirmation of the word。 what cold fingers！ they were warmer last night when i touched them at the door of the mysterious chamber。 jane； when will you watch with me again？”
“whenever i can be useful； sir。”
“for instance； the night before i am married！ i am sure i shall not be able to sleep。 will you promise to sit up with me to bear me pany？ to you i can talk of my lovely one： for now you have seen her and know her。”
“yes； sir。”
“she’s a rare one； is she not； jane？”
“yes； sir。”
“a strapper—a real strapper； jane： big； brown； and buxom； with hair just such as the ladies of carthage must have had。 bless me！ there’s dent and lynn in the stables！ go in by the shrubbery； through that wicket。”
as i went one way； he went another； and i heard him in the yard； saying cheerfully—
“mason got the start of you all this morning； he was gone before sunrise： i rose at four to see him off。”
m。
Chapter 21
～
presentiments are strange things！ and so are sympathies； and so are signs； and the three bined make one mystery to which humanity has not yet found the key。 i never laughed at presentiments in my life； because i have had strange ones of my own。 sympathies； i believe； exist （for instance； between far…distant； long…absent； wholly estranged relatives asserting； notwithstanding their alienation； the unity of the source to which each traces his origin） whose workings baffle mortal prehension。 and signs； for aught we know； may be but the sympathies of nature with man。
when i was a little girl； only six years old； i one night heard bessie leaven say to martha abbot that she had been dreaming about a little child； and that to dream of children was a sure sign of trouble； either to one’s self or one’s kin。 the saying might have worn out of my memory； had not a circumstance immediately followed which served indelibly to fix it there。 the next day bessie was sent for home to the deathbed of her little sister。
of late i had often recalled this saying and this incident； for during the past week scarcely a night had gone over my couch that had not brought with it a dream of an infant； which i sometimes hushed in my arms； sometimes dandled on my knee； sometimes watched playing with daisies on a lawn； or again； dabbling its hands in running water。 it was a wailing child this night； and a laughing one the next： now it nestled close to me； and now it ran from me； but whatever mood the apparition evinced； whatever aspect it wore； it failed not for seven successive nights to meet me the moment i entered the land of slumber。
i did not like this iteration of one idea—this strange recurrence of one image； and i grew nervous as bedtime approached and the hour of the vision drew near。 it was from panionship with this baby… phantom i had been roused on that moonlight night when i heard the cry； and it was on the afternoon of the day following i was summoned downstairs by a message that some one wanted me in mrs。 fairfax’s room。 on repairing thither； i found a man waiting for me； having the appearance of a gentleman’s servant： he was dressed in deep mourning； and the hat he held in his hand was surrounded with a crape band。
“i daresay you hardly remember me； miss；” he said； rising as i entered； “but my name is leaven： i lived coachman with mrs。 reed when you were at gateshead； eight or nine years since； and i live there still。”
“oh； robert！ how do you do？ i remember you very well： you used to give me a ride sometimes on miss georgiana’s bay pony。 and how is bessie？ you are married to bessie？”
“yes； miss： my wife is very hearty； thank you； she brought me another little one about two months since—we have three now—and both mother and child are thriving。”
“and are the family well at the house； robert？”
“i am sorry i can’t give you better news of them； miss： they are very badly at present—in great trouble。”
“i hope no one is dead；” i said； glancing at his black dress。 he too looked down at the crape round his hat and replied—
“mr。 john died yesterday was a week； at his chambers in london。”
“mr。 john？”
“yes。”
“and how does his mother bear it？”
“why； you see； miss eyre； it is not a mon mishap： his life has been very wild： these last three years he gave himself up to strange ways； and his death was shocking。”
“i heard from bessie he was not doing well。”
“doing well！ he could not do worse： he ruined his health and his estate amongst the worst men and the worst women。 he got into debt and into jail： his mother helped him out twice； but as soon as he was free he returned to his old panions and habits。 his head was not strong： the knaves he lived amongst fooled him beyond anything i ever heard。 he came down to gateshead about three weeks ago and wanted missis to give up all to him。 missis refused： her means have long been much reduced by his extravagance； so he went back again； and the next news was that he was dead。 how he died； god knows！—they say he killed himself。”
i was silent： the things were frightful。 robert leaven resumed—
“missis had been out of health herself for some time： she had got very stout； but was not strong with it； and the loss of money and fear of poverty were quite breaking her down。 the information about mr。 john’s death and the manner of it came too suddenly： it brought on a stroke。 she was three days without speaking； but last tuesday she seemed rather better： she appeared as if she wanted