you were not as good as you should like to be； and that you regretted your own imperfection；—one thing i can prehend： you intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane。 it seems to me； that if you tried hard； you would in time find it possible to bee what you yourself would approve； and that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions； you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections； to which you might revert with pleasure。”
“justly thought； rightly said； miss eyre； and； at this moment； i am paving hell with energy。”
“sir？”
“i am laying down good intentions； which i believe durable as flint。 certainly； my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have been。”
“and better？”
“and better—so much better as pure ore is than foul dross。 you seem to doubt me； i don’t doubt myself： i know what my aim is； what my motives are； and at this moment i pass a law； unalterable as that of the medes and persians； that both are right。”
“they cannot be； sir； if they require a new statute to legalise them。”
“they are； miss eyre； though they absolutely require a new statute： unheard…of binations of circumstances demand unheard…of rules。”
“that sounds a dangerous maxim； sir； because one can see at once that it is liable to abuse。”
“sententious sage！ so it is： but i swear by my household gods not to abuse it。”
“you are human and fallible。”
“i am： so are you—what then？”
“the human and fallible should not arrogate a power with which the divine and perfect alone can be safely intrusted。”
“what power？”
“that of saying of any strange； unsanctioned line of action；—‘let it be right。’”
“‘let it be right’—the very words： you have pronounced them。”
“may it be right then；” i said； as i rose； deeming it useless to continue a discourse which was all darkness to me； and； besides； sensible that the character of my interlocutor was beyond my penetration； at least； beyond its present reach； and feeling the uncertainty； the vague sense of insecurity； which acpanies a conviction of ignorance。
“where are you going？”
“to put adèle to bed： it is past her bedtime。”
“you are afraid of me； because i talk like a sphynx。”
“your language is enigmatical； sir： but though i am bewildered； i am certainly not afraid。”
“you are afraid—your self…love dreads a blunder。”
“in that sense i do feel apprehensive—i have no wish to talk nonsense。”
“if you did； it would be in such a grave； quiet manner； i should mistake it for sense。 do you never laugh； miss eyre？ don’t trouble yourself to answer—i see you laugh rarely； but you can laugh very merrily： believe me； you are not naturally austere； any more than i am naturally vicious。 the lowood constraint still clings to you somewhat； controlling your features； muffling your voice； and restricting your limbs； and you fear in the presence of a man and a brother—or father； or master； or what you will—to smile too gaily； speak too freely； or move too quickly： but； in time； i think you will learn to be natural with me； as i find it impossible to be conventional with you； and then your looks and movements will have more vivacity and variety than they dare offer now。 i see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close…set bars of a cage： a vivid； restless； resolute captive is there； were it but free； it would soar cloud…high。 you are still bent on going？”
“it has struck nine； sir。”
“never mind；—wait a minute： adèle is not ready to go to bed yet。 my position； miss eyre； with my back to the fire； and my face to the room； favours observation。 while talking to you； i have also occasionally watched adèle （i have my own reasons for thinking her a curious study；—reasons that i may； nay； that i shall； impart to you some day）。 she pulled out of her box； about ten minutes ago； a little pink silk frock； rapture lit her face as she unfolded it； coquetry runs in her blood； blends with her brains； and seasons the marrow of her bones。 ‘il faut que je l’essaie！’ cried she； ‘et à l’instant même！’ and she rushed out of the room。 she is now with sophie； undergoing a robing process： in a few minutes she will re… enter； and i know what i shall see；—a miniature of céline varens； as she used to appear on the boards at the rising of— but never mind that。 however； my tenderest feelings are about to receive a shock： such is my presentiment； stay now； to see whether it will be realised。”
ere long； adèle’s little foot was heard tripping across the hall。 she entered； transformed as her guardian had predicted。 a dress of rose…coloured satin； very short； and as full in the skirt as it could be gathered； replaced the brown frock she had previously worn； a wreath of rosebuds circled her forehead； her feet were dressed in silk stockings and small white satin sandals。
“est…ce que ma robe va bien？” cried she； bounding forwards； “et mes souliers？ et mes bas？ tenez； je crois que je vais danser！”
and spreading out her dress； she chasséed across the room till； having reached mr。 rochester； she wheeled lightly round before him on tip…toe； then dropped on one knee at his feet； exclaiming—
“monsieur； je vous remercie mille fois de votre bonté；” then rising； she added； “c’est me cela que maman faisait； n’est…ce pas； monsieur？”
“pre…cise…ly！” was the answer； “and； ‘me cela；’ she charmed my english gold out of my british breeches’ pocket。 i have been green； too； miss eyre；—ay； grass green： not a more vernal tint freshens you now than once freshened me。 my spring is gone； however； but it has left me that french floweret on my hands； which； in some moods； i would fain be rid of。 not valuing now the root whence it sprang； having found that it was of a sort which nothing but gold dust could manure； i have but half a liking to the blossom； especially when it looks so artificial as just now。 i keep it and rear it rather on the roman catholic principle of expiating numerous sins； great or small； by one good work。 i’ll explain all this some day。 good… night。”
Chapter 15
小？说网
mr。 rochester did； on a future occasion； explain it。 it was one afternoon； when he chanced to meet me and adèle in the grounds： and while she played with pilot and her shuttlecock； he asked me to walk up and down a long beech avenue within sight of her。
he then said that she was the daughter of a french opera…dancer； céline varens； towards whom he had once cherished what he called a “grande passion。” this passion céline had professed to return with even superior ardour。 he thought himself her idol； ugly as he was： he believed； as he said； that she preferred his “taille d’athlète” to the elegance of the apollo belvidere。
“and； miss eyre； so much was i flattered by this preference of the gallic sylph for her british gnome； that i installed her in an hotel； gave her a plete establishment of servants； a carriage； cashmeres； diamonds； dentelles； &c。 in short； i began the process of ruining myself in the received style； like any other spoony。 i had not； it seems； the originality to chalk out a new road to shame and destruction； but trode the old track with stupid exactness not to deviate an inch from the beaten centre。 i had—as i deserved to have—the fate of all other spoonies。 happening to call one evening when céline did not expect me； i found her out； but it was a warm night； and i was tired with strolling through paris； so i sat down in her boudoir； happy to breathe the air consecrated so lately by her presence。 no；—i exaggerate； i never thought there was any consecrating virtue about her： it was rather a sort of pastille perfume she had left； a scent of musk and amber； than an odour of sanctity。 i was just beginning to stifle with the fumes of conservatory flowers and sprinkled essences； when i bethought myself to open the window and step out on to the balcony。 it was moonlight and gaslight besides； and very still and serene。 the balcony was furnished with a chair or two； i sat down； and took out a cigar；—i will take one now； if you will excuse me。”
here ensued a pause； filled up by the producing and lighting of a cigar； having placed it to his lips and breathed a trail of havannah incense on the freezing and sunless air； he went on—
“i liked bonbons too in those days； miss eyre； and i was croquant— （overlook the barbarism）—croquant chocolate fits； and smoking alternately； watching meantime the equipages that rolled along the fashionable streets towards the neighbouring opera…house； when in an elegant close carriage drawn by a beautiful pair of english horses； and distinctly seen in the brilliant city…night； i recognised the ‘voiture’ i had given céline。 she was returning： of course my heart thumped with impatience against the iron rails i leant upon。 the carriage stopped； as i had expected； at the hotel door； my flame （that is the very word for an opera inamorata） alighted： though muffed in a cloak—an unnecessary encumbrance； by…the…bye； on so warm a june evening—i knew her instantly by her little foot； seen peeping from the skirt of her dress； as she skipped from the carriage…step。 bendi